Caught by the River

I am in the stage of beginning to evaluate my time here in the USA, and anticipating my move back to the UK in July. 

I thought that moving to the States was going to be the hardest thing that I was going to do in my life. But now I know that moving back being even harder. 

I have had this quote from Heraclitus in my head for the last weeks. And I think it sums up my trepidation. He said that  “You can never step into the same river; for new waters are always flowing on to you.” He is talking about how the despite being familiar, something will never be the same as it was before. That the UK will not be the same as it was the last time I was there, 680 Days ago.

I'm nervous about so many things. I feel like I will approaching the UK as a stranger. But this isn't just because the UK has changed. I would argue that not only can I not step into the same river twice because the water have changed, but also because I have changed as well.

I'm not the same person that I was when I went on this adventure in September 2010. I have changed so much. I sometimes joke that I'm worried that my dog won't recognise me. She recognises my voice on Skype so I'm not truly worried, but it does highlight an underlying question. Will the UK recognise me? 

I have had great experiences, worked in a great environment. Met great people who will be friends forever. Been inspired by people who are just doing day to day things. I have surrounded by people who have moulded who I am, and I'm not saying that I won't have this in the UK but its hard to leave a comfort zone in which you have been growing so much in. I am already dreading leaving, but I know that it is something that I have to do.

As I prepare to step back into this river, please just keep me in your prayers. I'm going to need them.

The Meaning is in the Waiting

It struck me today that we are missing a huge aspect of this Holiday season. At the moment the Christmas season has gone into hyper drive. The Coca Cola Adverts have hit the TV and commercialism has a subtle but significant hold on our hearts and mind, and because of this we miss the season of waiting

Jesus was expected, for thousands of years, people were looking to the time that the Messiah was going to come and bring deliverance. The Season of Advent has been described as hopeful waiting in excitement.

But I think that waiting is a lost art. We have Microwaves and Credit Cards. We get excited about temporary things. In the US we launch from Thanksgiving to Christmas without the blink of an eye but we forget that there is a story of epic proportions behind the coming from and of Christ which has not been completed.

We need to remember that the story of Jesus isn't wrapped up in the nativity story. The old head of the Bank of England, Mervyn King once said that "The true meaning of Christmas will not be revealed until Easter - or possibly much later". He was talking about the economic surge expected through retail sales but I think he hit the nail on the head when thinking about the Jesus. The Story of Jesus is not over in Bethlehem. This what the introduction, that is the Old Testament, has been leading up to. But we need to remember that Jesus died. Rose from the dead.

And we are waiting, like those before his birth, for Christ to come.

That is something we need to remember. This story is not over. And I hope that sometime this advent season, you have a moment to sit and wait. A time to wait expectantly for the return of Christ.

Regrets

I was at shore recently, and as usual, I have a uncontrollable urge to just stare out to sea, out towards the horizon. It is mesmerizing.

It when whilst staring out into the great void that is the Atlantic Ocean that I got thinking about what is before me and what has passed.

In my head I couldn't stop thinking that I have a choice. A choice to either live a life full of regret. Regretting choices made (or not made), replaying them in my head, over and over until it envelops my entire existence. Devoting your thinking to the "what ifs".  Or I can take note of what has passed and let it mold you into a person that I want to be, learning from the things that I regret, seeking to look forward to a future, instead of replaying the past.

Johnny Cash is  a hero of mine, and he once said "You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space." I agree with him

There are things I regret. Things I wish I did differently. But I want to take these regrets and make sure that they are a stepping stone to my future.

A Beautiful Death

This I have to concede, that America, especially where I am at the moment, outshines the UK in how it does Fall (Autumn). Countless trees are turning to beautiful shades of orange and red.

I was thinking about why the Americans call this season 'Fall' and it dawned on me that, despite being more beautiful than they have this year, they are falling, dying.

It is, in essence, a beautiful death. One marked with such beauty

This got me wondering about how else a death could be considered beautiful and I realised that there is no death more beautiful that us dying to ourselves.

This is a intertwining theme spanning the Bible.

Jesus  tells us in Luke 9, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

Like us, the leaves are dying in order to bring life. There is a promise of renewal, of something better than what we have now.

Bonhoeffer talks about how to die to ourself is saying "He leads the way, keep close to him".

Keep Him close

All else is secondary

 

Keep on moving

I realised something a couple of days ago... so much in the Bible happens when someone is travelling somewhere

We have Pauls encounter on the road to Damascus

We have the disciples encounter on the road to Emaus

Philip met with the Ethiopian offical after been told to take the desert road to Gaza

the list goes on and on...


Things seem to happen when we are going somewhere in our life

It is hard for God to move in our life if we are stationary. I don't mean this in a strictly phisical sense.

It is important to stop sometimes and take stock, but it must be part of journey in which we are moving forward..

We might not be able to see the journey ahead, but we need to keep moving. You can't steer a ship that is stationary, instead it will be moved by the currents it sits in.

If we don't want to be controlled by the currents that surround us we have to keep moving forward

The road to wherever you are going may seem irrelevant and boring but you have no idea where God will meet you...  

Seasons

I heard a story yesterday which got me thinking ... A Cherokee chief had four sons and he sent told them all to go a look at this pear tree. One went in the winter time, the next in spring, the next in spring and the last in fall.

The chief gathered his sons and proceeded to ask them what they had seen. The first son had said that he had seen a tree that was bear, marked by emptiness, with nothing on the tree showing future promise.

The second son disagreed, saying that he had seen a tree covered in buds, showing the potential of the future life it had

The third disagreed again, saying that the tree was covered in beautiful flowers.

The last son said that all were incorrect, that the tree was producing great fruit

The son debated about who was correct, but then the chief stopped them saying that they were all correct but that life shouldn't be judged on the basis of one season.

A season may be hard but this doesn't mean that life is hard

A season may be beautiful or show potential or reap fruit but there is a time to be stripped bear and to go back to what is what is essential in your life

As Solomon says in Ecclesiastes there is a time for everything,and a season for every activity under the heavens so don't worry if your life seems empty and bare, because there is a future filled with potential, beauty and fruit ahead

Don’t let these waves wash away your hopes

This Song blows me away every time I listen to it... Please listen and read the lyrics

Wooden Heart

We’re all born to broken people on their most honest day of living 
and since that first breath... We’ll need grace that we’ve never given 
I've been haunted by standard red devils and white ghosts 
and it's not only when these eyes are closed 
these lies are ropes that I tie down in my stomach, 
but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather 
and my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north, 
stretched thin over my rib bones, and pray that it gets better 
but it won’t won’t, at least I don’t believe it will... 
so I've built a wooden heart inside this iron ship, 
to sail these blood red seas and find your coasts. 
don’t let these waves wash away your hopes 
this war-ship is sinking, and I still believe in anchors 
pulling fist fulls of rotten wood from my heart, I still believe in saviors 
but I know that we are all made out of shipwrecks, every single board 
washed and bound like crooked teeth on these rocky shores 
so come on and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief 
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach 
come on and sew us together, tattered rags stained forever 
we only have what we remember 

I am the barely living son of a woman and man who barely made it 
but we’re making it taped together on borrowed crutches and new starts 
we all have the same holes in our hearts... 
everything falls apart at the exact same time 
that it all comes together perfectly for the next step 
but my fear is this prison... that I keep locked below the main deck 
I keep a key under my pillow, it’s quiet and it’s hidden 
and my hopes are weapons that I’m still learning how to use right 
but they’re heavy and I’m awkward...always running out of fight 
so I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship 
hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks 
because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam 
lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea 
so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief 
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach 
come on and sew us together, just some tattered rags stained forever 
we only have what we remember 

My throat it still tastes like house fire and salt water 
I wear this tide like loose skin, rock me to sea 
if we hold on tight we’ll hold each other together 
and not just be some fools rushing to die in our sleep 
all these machines will rust I promise, but we'll still be electric 
shocking each other back to life 
Your hand in mine, my fingers in your veins connected 
our bones grown together inside 
our hands entwined, your fingers in my veins braided 
our spines grown stronger in time 
because are church is made out of shipwrecks 
from every hull these rocks have claimed 
but we pick ourselves up, and try and grow better through the change 
so come on yall and let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief 
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach 
come on and sew us together, were just tattered rags stained forever 
we only have what we remember

Perspective

I know that this is is a long video but it just opened my eyes and changed my life... 

Me and me mum and me dad and me gran with a bucket of vindaloo

Living in the states you get used to the general craziness that comes with regular life. Everything is a little more manic, faster... etc. than life in England

I say this with one exception. The time comes every two years in the month of June, where we find England (hopefully) competing in a international football (soccer, for my american readers) Tournament.

This year is the turn of Euro 2012. And a good percentage of England will go temporarily insane. Making claims that this is the year where we banish the memories of countless disappointments, which is followed by the depression after the inevitable penalty shootout failure.

One thing the underlines the insanity is the official Song which accompanies the madness. We have had some classics such 'Three Lions' but then we have had some which point towards the whole of England being put in straightjackets, such as Fat Les' 'Vindaloo' ... watch it below and you'll understand.

I have been and always will be one of these people who join the insanity... Come on England!

Percentages

My pastor said something in his sermon on Sunday that I don't think I'll ever forget.

He said that life is 10% of what happens and 90% of how we react to these events.

I'm going to be honest...

I'm kinda going through a situation in which I'm struggling and I can see how much of an impact my reaction to this effects everything... Not just me but those around me.

The situation is out of my hands but how I react isn't. I can choose to indulge in my struggle, and admittedly this feels good for a while but in the end it leads nowhere.

Alternatively I can choose to not let the situation effect my life. I know it's there but it's not ruling my life... Instead letting God rule it.

We need to trust God because he is the only consistent element in any of our lives.

Everything else in comparison is meaningless

Character over Comfort

God is more concerned about with your character than with you comfort

This is something that is evident throughout the Bible and is something that God is repeatedly bringing to my attention.

In one of the Narnia books by CS Lewis, one of the children asks whether Aslan, the Lion, is safe. The response is something I will never forget when thinking about how God interacts with us. The response is that 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good

 

Following God is not really a "safe" thing to do. And those who follow him don't always end up in the most comfortable places. People have ended up in a den of lions, in terrible storms, in the stomach of a whale ... You get the idea.

God is calling us to step up and sometimes stepping up means stepping into situations which we are not comfortable with. God is going to stretch us. It's gonna hurt.We need to embrace the situations. This is because it is these storms God is using to teach us. God just doesn't give us the gift of Patience, he puts us in situations where we have to develop patience. 

Instead of running away we need to be asking how can i be growing? We need to embrace these storms.

We don't go through these trials on our own. Time and time again, God proves that he is by your side and all you have to do is fix your eyes on him and everything else will fade into the background... 

Go on, embrace it and you'll never know what God will teach you

Widows and Prophets

On Sunday, the preacher at my church told a powerful story of a widow giving up everything that she had in order to follow God. 

In 1 Kings 17, we are told a story of Elijah, during a major Drought being provided for by a poor widow. First, he called her and asked her for some water... this did not cost her as she just went to the well. But he also asked her for some bread... this did cost her. She replied  "As the Lord your God lives, I have nothing baked, only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug. And now I am gathering a couple of sticks that I may go in and prepare it for myself and my son, that we may eat it and die.”

This is kinda intense. Elijah is asking for the widows last remaining food. This is the food she had put aside so that she could have a final meal with her son before dying. Elijah responds by telling her not to fear, but to go and make the bread for him, herself and her son, saying "For thus says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘The jar of flour shall not be spent, and the jug of oil shall not be empty, until the day that the Lord sends rain upon the earth.’”. And this is what happened...

She had to show the faith before the results of faith were shown... this is being really impressed onto me at the moment. I have been reminded that if we are going to walk on the water, we have to get out the boat... we have to make the first step... and sometimes the results of our faith are not as obvious and sometimes we falter... but we need to remember to live by faith and not by sight and not react to the things happening but to what we know God is telling us.

A Wizard is never late...

I am loving life at the moment, but the future is ever present in my mind. I am in the process of trying to sort it out so I can stay in the Area and work for Urban Promise. I know that God has it in his hands but i'm not blessed with an abundance of patience.



I'm reminded of this scene from Lord of the Rings (i know, I use Lord of the Rings for many examples), and it speaks of the Character of God, that he won't be rushed by our narrow-minded, short term vision.God is never late, or early, but instead God arrives exactly when he planned to, seeing the whole picture not just the immediate.

God is the Alpha and Omega. He is the First and Last. He sees the breadth of Human history and has my life in his hand, along with the timing. It is very frustrating though. Its like standing on top a mountain, where the view should be spectacular, but everything is covered with mist, not revealing the incredible things underneath...

Home

I've been told from time to time that where my heart is, there also i'll find my treasure.

Well, It is here, amongst the broken sidewalks and pain filled lives that I find a potential without measure.

It is in a city invincible, ignored by the great. In the shadow of Brotherly Love, yet marred by hate.

It is here that i find my heart alive. It is here that I feel in synch. But remember, Beauty in this small city is shy, and you'll miss it if you blink.

I've been told from time to time that home is where my heart is. And this know for sure. It is in this city with a people so strong, that I find the home that I've been looking for, all along.

Some ancient, invisible, Saint Nick in the Sky

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

$10 Billion to give everyone clean water. $450 billion spent on Christmas?

Enough said...

Hope is Kindled

Matthew 5:14-16

14 “You are the light of the world. A [beacon] built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

              

 

I was really inspired last week. UrbanPromise, the organisation that i work for, despite being formed in Camden, NJ, it has not been contained to this city. Beacons of Hope have been spread to the whole world.  Last week we had the UrbanPromise Summit, in which the UrbanPromises from Malawi, Honduras, Miami, Toronto, Vancouver, Wilmington and Trenton gathered together.

To hear the stories from all around the world is amazing. In Matthew we are told that we are light of the world, that a "beacon" on a hill cannot be hidden. At the summit it was incredible to see so many beacons lit.

I remember the scene from Lord of The Rings where the Beacons of Gondor are lit, and it struck me that one tiny flame, can produce a chain reaction which cannot be stopped and cannot do anything except drastically change the world that we live in.

So whatever you do, be this "beacon" that spreads light, because you never know what effect it will have.

Memories Frozen in Time

A few pictures from Urban Promise including our trip to the Philadelphia Zoo... 

 

I’m no Superman

I have in the last days come to realize that I am not Superman.

I don’t mean this in the sense that I cannot fly or catch bullets or turn back time.

I mean it in the sense that I cannot save the world. I cannot, no matter how much I want to, save those who you love the most.

I’m not going to go into detail but I was in a situation where I was trying to save the world, whilst ignoring the hurt that it was causing me. 

I heard someone talk a couple of weeks ago about self-care. He talked about how the first thing we should do when trying to help someone is make sure that we are in a position to help those who we aim to help. He gave the analogy of when an airplane loses cabin pressure. Do we help the person next to us put their oxygen mask on first?  No. Because if we pass out then we are of no help at all. So we fix the mask on ourselves first.

In my head I was (am still am) being pulled in two directions. It does make sense to look care for yourself but on the other hand, when appealing to my caring nature, it seems selfish. It was taking more that I had to put myself in this situation. And with hindsight I can see that I was tearing myself apart, which was resulting to me not being able to help and possibly being more of a hinderance.

So my advice to you is that if you wish to help those in this world that you hold dear, then make sure that you are in a position to help

Newbies

I have just finished the third set of orientation that I will encounter at Urban Promise. I have just started my second year Internship and I must admit that I have had mixed feelings.

On the positive side, I have been given  an incredible opportunity to learn. I have taken on the role of managing one of the Intern houses. and I am also taking on more of a role at the After School Program which I am really excited about.

The negative aspect of his has come out of loss. Firstly, losing a group of people who I looked to as family and secondly being awoken to the harsh reality of living in an area such as Camden. My first year internship was rudely interrupted by US Visa people. This resulted in me spending 3 months in the UK, and this resulted in me not always feeling as if i was part of the House community. But this all changed in the summer when I went to Trenton, and spent alot of my time with my team of 5 others. This led to our team being incredibly close. When it came for them to one by one leave, it felt as if I was slowly losing limbs. It was really painful and the next weeks was really hard.

And now I am faced with the knowledge that to get close to a group of people will inevitably come with the end result (for most part anyway) of pain over the breaking of ties. This is a choice which is impossible to make without any clear answer - do I close myself and become a Hermit (maybe abit extreme) or make friends with people whom you know that in 9 months will part paths? It is a choice that makes my head hurt. I am currently listening to the Soundtrack of the Movie Where the Wild Things Are and I was reminded of a quote from Judith (one of the Wild Things) saying "Happiness is not always the best way to be happy".  This made sense to me in some weird way. If the things that hurt, usually hurt because in one way they made us so happy. I think that the things that make us happy are worth it even if they are going to eventually have the potential to make us unhappy, and by running away in order to avoid pain, we also run the risk of avoiding the things that make us happy permanently.

But also weighing on my already overloaded brain is the fact that life is fleeting. A friend who I met in the summer in Trenton, died nearly two weeks ago, at the age of 24. And it struck me that life is fragile, and we never know what is going to happen. One of my favourite films is a film called The Crow. During the filming of the movie, the main actor, Brandon Lee was unfortunatly killed, but what was striking was that the day before he was giving an interview where he talked about how we seem to have a mentality of immortality, that we think that we are going to live for ever, saying

" ...you tend to take a great deal for granted, because you feel like you're going to live forever. It's only if you lose a friend, or maybe have a near-death experience, (that) many events and people in your life suddenly attain real significance"

It has been an eye opening last couple of weeks, and I hope now that I don't take things for granted and if your reading I urge you not to either.